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WebSlam VII – Round 3
Poems
Untamed
Alexis Bullington — St. Pius X High School
amgirl1@msn.com
Absolute confidence
Muscles rippling with each fluent movement
A thousand secrets in the orbs
Fearless leaps
Bounding from immeasurable heights
Twisting and turning in the air
But always landing on soft, pink petals
Slinking silently
Springing gently
Surprising all with sudden appearance
Alone yet never lonely
The god of some and royalty to others
None can tame a wild nature
This free grimalkin shall remain.
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Reviewer:
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Rebecca Seiferle, seiferle@yahoo.com
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Rating:
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8.2
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Review:
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I like the beginning of this very much, the tactile suggestion in the muscles, and the linguistic movement of the poem which evokes the movement of the creature, but the last line loses me with that “grimalkin”. In the last three lines, the focus becomes blurry, widening out to the more general world and then trying to ground it again with the grimalkin. Grimalkin would work if capitalized as the name of the creature, but still the poem would be stronger if it remained focussed within the creature’s movement throughout.
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Posted: Nov/13/2004 1:12 pm
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Reviewer:
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Kenn Rodríguez, maspoetry@yahoo.com
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Rating:
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9.0
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Review:
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I confess: I had to look up grimalkin.
It sounded like a Tolkien creation. I think that detail adds to the poem – though some might be annoyed by having to look up the word.
The detail and flow of this poem are everything and I found both of them to be very good. You trip only once with the line “alone yet never lonely”. Even if it’s not a cliché it seems trite. And it cheapens the poem. I’d think of another way to say it – even though the way it is is clean and appropriate. “wild nature” doesn’t do it either. It’s too… ordinary. I think if you address these two lines you can make an already good poem better.
Good going.
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Posted: Nov/14/2004 10:09 pm
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