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WebSlam VII – Round 3
Poems
Happily Ever After
Sarah Chavez — Robert F. Kennedy Charter School
kitty_tie_my_shoes@yahoo.com
You look at all the smiles, amazing memories,
Daddy holding mommy, but behind the picture, mommy is on her knees.
She’s trying to get the bills paid, but still smiling happily.
That was a Kodak moment, sister on Christmas Eve, playing with her dolls,
ignoring her disease. Brother is out back, holding his brand new rifle, later he will use it to extinguish the pain, and take another life.
Mommy is on the street again, Halloween night, dressed up as a hooker, but she’s playing the part just right. She’s trying to make Husband happy, buying the kids what they want. Husband is at home, watching T.V. again, drinking his daily beer, he’s smiling, but his hand is gliding up and down watching his daughters rear.
Brother is in his room, smiling out the window, dreaming another gasoline dream, tired of the sexual innuendos. He’s the gay guy of the family, not wanting to be like daddy, he doesn’t suck cock for a living, he’s nothing like mommy, his sister she’s so oblivious to anything that happens. Why can’t the pain stop? Why can’t they be happy?
Yearly family portrait time again, lets try to smile and hold hands. Brother is dead in the ground, sister is in rehab, Mommy is in the shelter, so she doesn’t have to sell her body, daddy was put in jail for being way too naughty. Another picture for the record, another scream that’s echoed, when will this madness stop? When will the photo album end? When can we all let go?
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Reviewer:
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Valerie Martínez, vamartinez@csf.edu
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Rating:
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8.4
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Review:
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Sarah—This is a powerful poem with vivid and compelling “portraits” of each member of this troubled family. The central theme, here, seems to be the way a photograph reveals the surface of a family (the facades) but perhaps hints at the darkness “behind.” I think you can expand on this theme but creatively, without explanations. Keep working the images and description to get at what you want to reveal, here. Toward the end, the word “naughty” really stands out and seems inappropriate for a poem that doesn’t (thank goodness) euphemize much—you’ve got powerful language, here, and I’d stay with that. Otherwise, you can work on the grammar, punctuation and organization, here. The prose poem form seems right, but you really need to punctuate your sentences more effectively. Punctuation can further the themes of any poem; think about this as you revise. And think about how the poem “wanders” as it goes. Work at arranging the parts of the poem even more effectively. Thanks. VM
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Posted: Nov/11/2004 9:40 pm
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Reviewer:
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E.A. "Tony" Mares, tmares@swcp.com
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Rating:
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8.0
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Review:
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Sarah,
This is a strong draft of a very promising poem. Your first stanza shows a great contrast between the photo (past time) and the mother (present time) doing her chores. In the second stanza, try to use understatement instead of telling us that disaster is going to strike. By showing sister, a sickly sister, playing with her dolls, and by merely mentioning brother “out back, holding his brand new rifle,” you will prepare the reader for what is to come in the rest of the poem.
In the following stanzas, I think you need to show us more and tell us less about this dysfunctional family. Try to make your images clear and coherent. Also, avoid the rhetorical questions because your poem really doesn’t need them. A final thought: when evil is portrayed as relentlessly evil and good as unimaginably good, it’s difficult for a reader to identify with the milieu of the poem. Understatement, maybe even a touch of humor, might humanize your characters and make their tragic lives more believable. I think it will be worth your time and effort to continue to work on this poem. Best to you!
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Posted: Nov/12/2004 11:41 pm
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