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WebSlam VII – Round 1
Poems
Fog
Kathryn Harlow — Sandia Preparatory School
katieh6689@msn.com
And you wouldn’t know it to look at him, but sadness reigns superior in that open mouthed grin
There is joy but underneath, all around,
The pain that the mind cannot remember is emblazoned on the skin, in the heart, on the tongue that wishes to say it all
One foot in front of the other
It’s cold
The air hangs
It drapes itself from the branches of the naked trees and soaks into the skin
It is heavy, resting against you on all sides
As you let out the gasp of warm breath, the air around it rushes to fill your mouth with its sting, its thickness
Bite down and there is nothing there
So present yet nothing to taste
And he smiles again and perfection is visible
White teeth catch on the pouty lips
Lips the color of faded blood
Blood that runs through the sorrowful heart
Blood that is so cold from so many days
You bring your hands together and the pads of the palm touch to make a steeple
You breathe the warm breath against them in the vain hope of releasing them from their numb state
There is nothing left but the quiet, still, hanging air
It hangs lower still
Drooping as if depressed, making not a noise to indicate its presence
Yet you know it’s there
Creeping, getting into the deepest parts of you
He throws his head back
In anguish? In defeat? In laughter?
It’s too still to hear the laughter
The noise, if there ever actually was one, got caught in the silence of the atmosphere
It hangs now with the others, the lost cries
That make the air so heavy
But at last noise makes its way into the stillness
The light reflects against something
Salt slips down cold hands and onto the tongue
The tongue that holds more secrets than the heart
But can never share them
He is crying.
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Reviewer:
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Kenn Rodríguez, maspoetry@yahoo.com
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Rating:
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9.2
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Review:
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Wow. This is excellent.
I can’t find anything major to critique you about in this. Your use of language is stellar, you find a theme and really work it well and the atmosphere is solid. You embody the feeling of both the narrator and subject well.
The only suggestion I have is to eliminate the “And” and “The” that you begin sentences with. Some, like the last line, are necessary, but most you don’t need. They’re implied and they clutter up the poem. As does the contraction “it’s”.
Other than these minor things, you have a great poem here.
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Posted: Oct/31/2004 6:10 pm
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Reviewer:
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Rebecca Seiferle, seiferle@yahoo.com
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Rating:
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9.2
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Review:
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Very nice poem, Kathryn, very evocative in language and feeling. I think perhaps the last line could go, since the poem ends much more strongly with “can never share them”. Also in the first stanza, the passive “There is” and second “is” could go, and in the second the many “it” and “its” are unnecessary. The “it” in the second stanza is somewhat problematic, in that the pronoun’s antecedent is unclear. And a certain awkwardness results. Without those passive constructions, the poem’s turns and juxtapositions would be elegantly sharp.
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Posted: Nov/1/2004 1:59 pm
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